A week ago, one of our best friends, Ryan Burge, was called back Home. He's now in a place far too magnificent to fathom. In the words of his sister, Lora:
He's free. After more than 23 years of suffering, my brother is free. No more CF. No more rare conditions. No more being someone's science experiment and dissertation. He's wholly Ryan. No more meds, treatments, regimens, or cough. Just Ryan. Only Ryan.
Just Ryan.
When I first heard the news, it didn't come as a complete shock to me... I think we all knew the possibility of him not being able to recover from the once beautiful and much anticipated double lung transplant was on the table. In fact, the possibility of him passing away has been on the table since he was born. Ryan wasn't suppose to live past the age of one or two, let alone 23. But, there's something drastically different from it being a mere possibility to it becoming imminent. There is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for it when it comes. And when it comes, it comes hard.
It was a strange feeling when it happened... Everything felt empty. Photography didn't do anything for me. Music didn't penetrate my soul like it used to. What I've been wanting to do in ministry seemed faded and distant... I didn't talk to my own parents about anything, besides the fact that it had happened, because it was all so heart-breaking. I spent much of every waking hour with friends and "family;" all of us trying to keep each other from falling to pieces. Desperately trying not to think too much about the current situation, keeping ourselves busy with various activities; only re-living the good times we had with Ryan, if anything. The only times I ventured home was to sleep and maybe have breakfast.
It wasn't until just a couple days ago that my aforementioned passions began to move me again (albeit it's a slow process), and that I really spoke to my parents. Yesterday was the first time I could bring myself to read what our friend John wrote about Ryan. However, I still have not watched the slideshow that will be played tomorrow at his memorial service, full of photos of him... I hope I don't lose it when I finally do watch it. [Note: If you want to get an idea of who Ryan is, what kind of man of God he is, listen to the song, "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless, which the slideshow is set to. It meant so much to him... Listening to it brings tears to my eyes as I type..] There are still other things that get to me as well... This has been the toughest part of my life...
This whole thing isn't just losing a friend. On top of that, I feel like I've lost a part of myself with him. Ashley and I talked about this. How as close as she is to Ryan, and as hard as this is for her, she has a life hundreds of miles away that he's never been a part of. A life of her own, in which nothing has changed. Me? This is my life. I don't know anything else to this point. Ryan has been a constant facet in my daily life. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. A better brother. When everyone was off to college or another city, he's always been there. I've been with him through the good times and the bad, and vice versa. Believe it or not, my life here is not anything compared to what most people are experiencing now, in larger colleges, cities, and sometimes other countries. I also didn't take full advantage of a town even this small... Considering all this, Ryan's role in my life was greatly magnified. And now that entire portion of it isn't here anymore...
Luckily, I'm blessed with the absolute best group of friends, along with their families. I can't imagine not having them in my life. These are friends that have held tight since high school, some of which I'm far closer to now than I've ever been before. A select few were ones that Christ used to bring me to Him, while, collectively, they all strengthened and help me grow in my faith. I can't thank any of them enough for what they've done for me. I love them so far beyond what they'll ever realize... If they weren't around, especially right now... If I didn't have that relationship with Him... It's frightening to think of what potential mindset I'd be in.
Ironically, what happened with Ryan, and how much pain we've felt... All the emptiness... I feel like I've put more trust in Him. Like my relationship with Christ has only become stronger. I'm not angry with Him. I don't love Him any less. We prayed for Ryan's health. That he'd get the much-needed transplant that would hopefully save his life. That'd he'd suffer no more and be able to live the life he's always wanted, and what we wanted him to have. Ryan's potential was through the roof. So intelligent. A very selfless individual. One of our greatest friends, and a wonderful son. Why would God take him away?
He didn't. Ryan's only living with Him now. God answered our prayers in a way we didn't expect, or want, but it was what was best for Ryan. I said earlier that he wasn't suppose to live past a couple years old. We were never supposed to know he even existed. But Ryan made it to 23, against all odds, fighting the whole way. If anything, God prolonged his life so that we would know him. So we'd know his story and be able to share what an incredible person he was during his short stay here.
With that said... What a loving God we have... Ryan's no longer suffering, just as we had prayed... And Ryan's impact will resonate through the rest of our lives... This is what Ryan wanted, and was meant to do...
It wasn't until just a couple days ago that my aforementioned passions began to move me again (albeit it's a slow process), and that I really spoke to my parents. Yesterday was the first time I could bring myself to read what our friend John wrote about Ryan. However, I still have not watched the slideshow that will be played tomorrow at his memorial service, full of photos of him... I hope I don't lose it when I finally do watch it. [Note: If you want to get an idea of who Ryan is, what kind of man of God he is, listen to the song, "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless, which the slideshow is set to. It meant so much to him... Listening to it brings tears to my eyes as I type..] There are still other things that get to me as well... This has been the toughest part of my life...
This whole thing isn't just losing a friend. On top of that, I feel like I've lost a part of myself with him. Ashley and I talked about this. How as close as she is to Ryan, and as hard as this is for her, she has a life hundreds of miles away that he's never been a part of. A life of her own, in which nothing has changed. Me? This is my life. I don't know anything else to this point. Ryan has been a constant facet in my daily life. I couldn't have asked for a better friend. A better brother. When everyone was off to college or another city, he's always been there. I've been with him through the good times and the bad, and vice versa. Believe it or not, my life here is not anything compared to what most people are experiencing now, in larger colleges, cities, and sometimes other countries. I also didn't take full advantage of a town even this small... Considering all this, Ryan's role in my life was greatly magnified. And now that entire portion of it isn't here anymore...
Luckily, I'm blessed with the absolute best group of friends, along with their families. I can't imagine not having them in my life. These are friends that have held tight since high school, some of which I'm far closer to now than I've ever been before. A select few were ones that Christ used to bring me to Him, while, collectively, they all strengthened and help me grow in my faith. I can't thank any of them enough for what they've done for me. I love them so far beyond what they'll ever realize... If they weren't around, especially right now... If I didn't have that relationship with Him... It's frightening to think of what potential mindset I'd be in.
Ironically, what happened with Ryan, and how much pain we've felt... All the emptiness... I feel like I've put more trust in Him. Like my relationship with Christ has only become stronger. I'm not angry with Him. I don't love Him any less. We prayed for Ryan's health. That he'd get the much-needed transplant that would hopefully save his life. That'd he'd suffer no more and be able to live the life he's always wanted, and what we wanted him to have. Ryan's potential was through the roof. So intelligent. A very selfless individual. One of our greatest friends, and a wonderful son. Why would God take him away?
He didn't. Ryan's only living with Him now. God answered our prayers in a way we didn't expect, or want, but it was what was best for Ryan. I said earlier that he wasn't suppose to live past a couple years old. We were never supposed to know he even existed. But Ryan made it to 23, against all odds, fighting the whole way. If anything, God prolonged his life so that we would know him. So we'd know his story and be able to share what an incredible person he was during his short stay here.
With that said... What a loving God we have... Ryan's no longer suffering, just as we had prayed... And Ryan's impact will resonate through the rest of our lives... This is what Ryan wanted, and was meant to do...
I've often been asked, so I'll answer this question: No, I do not blame God, nor have I ever been mad at God for having CF. Why? I don't know, but some people have told me that I'm inspirational, and courageous. Sure, I guess. The way I see it is that if my life can touch even just one person, and pull them to Christ, then it is all worth it.
By Ryan. October 14, 2005
(Slightly edited for spelling and punctuation.)
All these years later... God had a plan in motion, leading up to this moment and on... Ryan never wavered in his faith... And I can't see myself ever wavering either, upon seeing the beauty of Him...
Ryan, you will be missed... Right now, you're enjoying the fullness of His Kingdom, His Glory, and His Love firsthand, face-to-face. You're in a place that we're still waiting for. But, we'll see you again. We'll see everything in time, and enjoy it together. As a family. As one. In the arms of an intimate, loving God; the creator of the heavens. Our Father.
God Bless
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Romans 5:1-5 (NIV)
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